August 2011
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Thank you, Robert, for your time once again
in speaking with us. I have read your book, "Grieving a
Soulmate", and once again, my sincere condolences for your loss of your
loving wife, Jeri.
RO: Thank you, Gary.
PBR: This book is quite a change from
the previous book, "Death with Dignity", where you took on the
end-of-life system. Which book came first?
RO: "Grieving a Soulmate" came
first.
PBR: So it was after "Grieving a
Soulmate" that you chose to take on the political and regulatory issues of
self-assisted suicide, as this was a subject that played so heavily in your own
ordeal.
RO: I wrote a very complete
chapter on death and dying in "Grieving a Soulmate," but I felt that
I had just scratched the surface. There was a lot more to that story.
"Death with Dignity" is really an expose on how we die in
America today. You get "the good, the bad, and the ugly."
As you know, the system is broken in many ways.
PBR: I found your ability to break
down to manageable issues the elements of such a complex emotional situation
quite amazing. I refer to the methods and reasoning you used to cope with the
loss of a loved one. Would you say you have the Napoleonic strategy of “divide
and conquer” as your fundamental way to explain your conclusions?
RO: Yes, the loss of a soulmate is
a truly devastating experience. I was suffering from red-hot pain that seemed
to come in waves. The "grief bursts" just kept coming and
coming. I was almost incapacitated; I could barely function. I
found that dealing with the grief in its entirety can be totally overwhelming.
In my computer science days, we dealt with complexity by breaking it
down into manageable chunks. So I tried to break down the grief into categories
or "buckets." I learned how to recognize my grief bursts and
assign them to buckets. Later I devised methods for eradicating the grief in
each bucket. Once you pop a grief burst it never seems to come back. I measured
my progress by tracking the number of daily grief bursts. Yes, it
is "divide and conquer." You mentioned Napoleon, but this
is the first time I've seen this technique applied to grief. Each of us
will have our own triggers that produce grief bursts; and each of us will
develop our own buckets. In my case, there were five buckets: 1) the flashbacks
of the last days—the trauma of watching Jeri die, 2) survivor's guilt—I was
alive but Jeri wasn’t, 3) she’s gone forever—the yearning cycle,
4) self-pity—I would have to recreate my world without her, and 5) the
deep existential questions: where did she go? what was her life all about?
My buckets can serve as templates for others.
PBR: I had made my judgment within my
review as to who I felt the book will most benefit, but in your own words, who
do you feel this book is best intended for?
RO: Each grief has its patterns.
Grieving a soulmate is different from grieving a child or grieving a parent.
This book was specifically written to address the specifics of soulmate
grief. Note that not all spouses are soulmates, and not all soulmates are
spouses. The loss of a soulmate results in the breaking of innumerable
adult-to-adult bonds that are in fine working condition at the time of death.
It's like losing half of yourself. In some ways, two people have died.
PBR: Now that the book is completed,
if you had to add additional thoughts to it not previously stated, what might
you consider adding to the “next revision” – should it ever happen?
RO: There is no next version. This
was my window to write about death and grief. It takes a very special
frame of mind to deal with these almost-taboo topics.
PBR: What, if any, has come as a
surprise from those that knew you and Jeri as a couple, when they read this
book?
RO: I guess they are surprised that I am
still alive. Jeri and I were fused together. They all miss Jeri, and
the book may have helped them grieve. Incidentally, most of my friends are
now much more aware of their own mortality.
PBR: The chapter on the “Surfer’s
Funeral” was very memorable. Does your mind wander back to that event
often?
RO: I swim every day to the spot
where her ashes are spread. The ocean is Jeri. I feel that I'm one with her
when I'm in that spot. I never fear sharks because Jeri is there to protect me.
Many Hawaiian beach boys feel that way about the ocean: they feel their ancestors
will protect them.
PBR: Is there anything else you’d
like to take this opportunity to say to those that may be considering buying
your book?
RO: Reading this book won't bring
your soulmate back. It's just a way of sharing my grief with you. It's about
grieving my Jeri, not your soulmate. I hope that grief theorists will
note that soulmate grief is very complicated. They need to do a better
job addressing the specifics of this grief. The literature does not tell us
what to do about soulmate grief. Laissez faire is not a good option, and
stages and phases are only descriptive. There is no "grief
work" that I am aware of. I wrote this book to share with you what I
learned, and what worked for me. Hopefully, it can help you, too. If it
helps, pass it on to others. The proceeds go to to hospice: I'm not trying to
benefit from Jeri's death.
PBR: Very well. Again, our personal
thanks for your time, and we wish you success with all of your books.
RO: Thank you, Gary, for your excellent
questions.
