Pacific Book Review   

In April 1983, I was training for San Francisco's Bay to Breakers footrace, a 12K (7.44-mile) event, when I felt my right ankle stiffen.  It was diagnosed as Achilles tendinitis.  The injury started a chain of events through which I learned how to recover my self-esteem even with a restricted lifestyle caused by fibromyalgia (a painful chronic musculoskeletal condition.)

Over the next 19 months I saw 30 doctors and alternative health specialists, but found no relief from my symptoms. The doctors could not understand why I was in so much pain. It gradually spread throughout my body. I was able to hold onto my jobs as library manager for a consulting firm until April, 1989.

Since I did not receive a medical confirmation of my disease, other people did not believe in the extent of my pain either.  That was a big blow to my self-esteem. I lost my career, many relationships, and all athletic abilities.  I began to wonder, Who am I now?  Where does my self-identity lay?  What is my self-worth based on now?

After almost nine years of trying different medical and alternative medicine treatments, I found the answer for me.  It was not a cure but a way to cope:  a spiritual solution.

I joined a church, took many of its classes, and began to meditate. I discovered that my self-identity laid not in the quantity of my production but in the quality of my experience. The inner peace and contentment I had always wanted I found through meditation. My attitude toward my illness changed from one of self-blame and frustration to one of understanding, compassion, and patience.

I measure my self-esteem now, if I measure it at all, on five qualities; unconditional love, joy, peace, self-empowerment, and wisdom.  Whenever I have thoughts nagging me about my lack of physical progress, I think of the improvements I have made spiritually.

I found a new purpose to my life. I began writing, leading support groups, teaching classes at my church, and giving talks about my transformation in attitude. In my book, Spiritual Transformation Through Chronic Illness, I emphasize how to redefine and express your self-esteem, meditate, find and trust your intuition, create affirmations that work, improve communication skills embrace a simple life, and form harmonious relationships.

It has been a real surprise for me to find calmness and self-acceptance during so much pain and disability.  I know from personal experience that happiness is not circumstance dependent.